Heidi Klum (Sort Of) Downsizes

BUYER: Heidi Klum
SELLER: Ed. Weinberger
LOCATION: Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $9,875,000
SIZE: 11,600 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 9 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Shortly before German-born supermodel turned Emmy-winning Project Runway super-mogul and fecund sartorial entrepreneur Heidi Klum split with her musician ex-husband, Seal, the once-happy couple shelled out $14.2 million for an approximately 12,300 square foot mock-Med villa with 8 bedrooms and 9.5 bathrooms on just over 12 acres in the Brentwood Country Estates, a super exclusive guard-gated enclave in the Brentwood area of Los Angeles where some of the other multi-acre estates and massive mansions are owned by the likes of Arnold Schwarzenegger, sitcom super-producer Kevin Bright, and—directly across the road from Miz Klum—fellow supermodel Gisele Bündchen and her professional pig skinner hubby Tom Brady.

As far as Your Mama knows, after the erstwhile couple parted ways Miz Klum remained in residence in the Brentwood family manse, presumably along with her beefy and rugged new bodyguard/boyfriend Martin Kristin. Howevuh, hunties, according to the ever-bounteous real estate yenta Yolanda Yakketyyak, the Klum clan is on the move and, as rich and/or famous people so often do after a marriage slides down the garbage disposal of lost love, the super-rich 40-year old mother of four bought a new house, a (slightly) smaller mansion on a whole lot less land in a smaller and less glorified guard-gated enclave in the Bel Air area of Los Angeles for which she paid $9,875,000.*

Property records (and other online resources) show the ridge-top estate was sold by nine-time Emmy winning writer/producer Ed. Weinberger (The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Taxi, The Cosby Show) and his wife, former actress Carline Watkins, who custom built the three-story red brick neo-Georgian mansion in 2000 and had the property on and off the market for more than three years at a variety of prices as high as $15 million.

The 11,600 square foot mansion sits on a 4.82 acre parcel with long and wide views down the steep canyons and over Sherman Oaks and the San Fernando Valley, a view that many who can afford to pay $10 million for a house would not want, according to the sometimes snobbish Yolanda, because "it faces the wrong way." A long private driveway cuts between a couple of mansions and forks awkwardly as it nears the symmetrical front of Miz Klum's new and stiff-shirted abode. To the right there's a featureless parking lot-like motor court and to the left a secondary motor court on the side of the house where there's also a detached two-car garage with self-contained one bedroom apartment above.

The center hall foyer will impress traditional architecture loving guests with lustrous chevron-pattern wood floors, the exact sort of sweeping floating staircase for which trail-blazing architect Paul Revere Williams is known and adored,* and glass doors at the back that open to a small veranda that overlooks the backyard. In addition to the graciously scaled formal living and dining rooms—both with wood floors, fireplace and elaborate moldings—lower level living spaces include a pair of offices and a library with yet another fireplace, French doors with semi-circular transoms, and a bunch of bookcases that may or may not be built in, we can't tell.

Family-oriented spaces include a generous family room that opens to the back yard and a spacious, eat-in kitchen that's expensively decked out with white cabinetry, marble counter tops and the customary suite of commercial-style stainless steel appliances that include side-by-side fridge/freezers, a 48-inch range plus wall ovens, and an under-counter wine cooler.

Listing information goes on to indicate there's a (less-than-ideally shaped) media room with angled ceiling and built-in wet bar/candy counter and, somewhere in the house, a temperature-controlled (and sorta dank-looking) wine cellar with stone-tiled walls and floor. Up on the (at least partially) finished third floor there's a home gym/dance studio and the basement, as per listing details, allows for further expansion.

Four guest/family bedrooms with en suite facilities occupy the mansion's second floor along with a roomy master suite that's complete with fireplace, a private deck with view across the entirety of the San Fernando Valley, dual dressing rooms, and two bathrooms—"his" with a vaguely vintage barbershop-y vibe and steam shower and "hers" with lots of mis-matched marble and a super-size soaking tub in front of a Palladian window. (Let's all cross our fingers that Miz Klum or her team of lady and/or nice-gay decorators has the good sense to do away with the cotton candy pink walls in the "her" master bath.)

The landscaping around the mansion is fairly simple with some clipped hedges and, besides total privacy from neighbors, outdoor amenities include an over-sized heated swimming pool sunk into a pancake flat swathe of lawn, several covered and shaded terraces, and an outdoor kitchen off the family room/kitchen. Listing details suggest there's room for a tennis court but we really have no idea if Miz Klum will undertake the installation of such.

We expect Miz Klum with sell her giant house in the Brentwood County Estates but, at this point, Your Mama has no inside intel on her plans. Until mid-2008, when she sold it for $5.35 million, Miz Klum maintained a two bedroom and two bathroom penthouse pad on Bank Street in New York City's Far West Village. We're not sure where the statuesque Miz Klum and family bunks when in New York City but our research suggests—but does not prove—it's a series of high-priced downtown rentals.

*While the property is, address-wise, located in Bel Air's prestigious 90077 zip code, some might say that the north of Mulholland Drive property ought to be in the relatively affluent (and star-soaked) but far less celebrated 91423 zip code of Sherman Oaks.

**We don't know who is responsible for the architecture of this home but it was most assuredly not Paul Revere Williams who met his great drafts(wo)man in the sky in 1980.

listing photos: The Agency

The Electrical Princess

"The plumber's work is done," I said buttering my toast. 

"Yes," Mr. Wonderful said reaching for the ringing telephone. 

"And tomorrow the electrician comes to do his work."

"Yes?" he said into the phone.

"So by Monday night everything will be done!" 

"No," Mr Wonderful said handing me the phone.

The phone call brought bad news. But phone calls with good news never happen first thing in the morning unless you're 1) The grandmother-to-be of a new born baby (which I wasn't); 2) The winner of the Nobel Peace Prize (which I wasn't) or 3) Meryl Streep (which I wasn't... yet). 

The voice on the other end of the line belonged to the electrician who informed me he was canceling. Canceling the day before a scheduled work day! UGH.

"Why," I said choking on my toast. 

"My third-grade daughter is playing a princess in the school play tomorrow."

"But why," I said brushing crumbs from my face. 

"She's loves princesses?" the electrician said questioning his own excuse.

"But why now?"

"She had a great audition?"

His daughter's school play? What kind of excuse was that? Please. It wasn't like she'd never be in another school play again. These days kids have school plays every week in third grade. But the electrician didn't care that he was leaving me in the trench-laden lurch while he skipped off to the elementary school's cafeteria to see his princess play a princess. I wished he hadn't told me why he had to cancel. UGH.

So it was back to the drawing board for me in finding an electrician. Whoever said Sunday was a day of rest did not have to deal with finding an electrician. I searched Angie's list, the neighbors' lists and all the lists of my 6,000 Facebook friends. I dialed, emailed, texted, tweeted, Pinterested and Instagramed for an electrician. Finally, lo and behold, I found one!

Jeffrey came, saw the situation, gave me an estimate and left. On Tuesday, Jeffrey's men came, saw the work and left… to get more parts. Soon both electricians returned to the house and while the young one worked on the wiring, the older one left… to get more parts. Again.

I chatted with the young one who was so amiable and pleasant. When the older one came back to work on the job I chatted to him and he was even more amiable and more pleasant then… he left to get more parts. The older one spent more time "going to get more parts" than there were parts required to do all the work on our house. Into perpetuity.

The whole day was an endless stream of electricians coming and going. But by the close of business on Monday, the electrical work was done, it was professional and it looked stellar. I thanked both men profusely. They smiled and nodded.

That evening I called Jeffrey.

"Your men did a fabulous job on my House. Thank you," I said smiling into the phone.

"On your job," Jeffrey said "I miscalculated the parts, the labor and the work. It was the job from hell. Serious hell."  UGH. I wished he hadn't told me how hard the job was. My House is my joy. No one wants to think that the thing they love dearly--their House--is anything less than perfect. Suddenly I understood how the first electrician felt about his third-grade daughter performing in the school play. Whatever or whomever we love is our princess and others should respect our loved ones.

I called the first electrician and asked how his daughter did in the play.

"She was the perfect princess," he said beaming.

"Of course she was," I said. "Because she's yours."

Adam Pally Lists Grove-Adjacent Spanish Bungalow

SELLER: Adam Pally
LOCATION: Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,699,000
SIZE: 2,428 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Up and coming comedic actor and writer Adam Pally has put his modestly sized but hardly inexpensive Grove-adjacent* Spanish bungalow in Los Angeles, CA, on the market with an asking price of $1,699,000.

The usually scruffy-faced and Jewfro-ed Mister Pally, now in his early 30s, has long performed with various improv groups (i.e.the venerable Upright Citizens Brigade), occasionally plays around in the Funny or Die comedy sand box, and wrote and/or appeared in a handful of short films (The Indigenous Flowers of Southern California) and cable series (Californication) before he landed a co-starring role on the (now canceled) ensemble comedy Happy Endings. The ad-libbing actor currently appears as a series regular as a frat boy turned gynecologist on The Mindy Project and will soon be seen in the comedy moves A Better You with Natasha Leggero and Nick Kroll) and Search Party with Krysten Ritter, formerly the untrustworthy B---- in Apartment 23.

Property records show Mister Pally and his wife, Daniella, purchased the tile-roofed bungalow in July 2011—not long before they had their first baby—for $1,360,000 and their decision to move so soon after settling in to their Grove-adjacent digs may or may not have something to do with the recent birth of their second child. Current listing details show the 2,428 square foot house was originally built in 1927 and has three bedrooms and 2.5 bathrooms plus additional living space in the converted and detached two-car garage.

A low-walled, gated, foliage-encircled courtyard leads to the front door that opens directly into the living room where listing photographs show honey-blond wood floors, a coved ceiling, lots of windows (with gauzy curtains), and a wood-burning fireplace with stately carved stone (or poured concrete) mantel piece. The honey-blond floors and vintage architectural details (i.e. crown molding and articulated archways) continue into the adjoining (formal) dining room that looks out to the front courtyard through an over-sized window.

The most striking feature of the house would most certainly be the pumpkin-colored star burst patterned Spanish tile in the renovated kitchen that's well-equipped with egg shell-toned cabinetry, grey counter tops (of unknown but presumably high quality material), and high grade stainless steel appliances. The kitchen has a two-seat snack counter tucked a bit awkwardly behind the six-burner range plus a compact but cozy breakfast room with inset book/knick-knack shelves, a vintage light fixture, and a ceiling painted the same dusty pumpkin color as the base color of the floor tiles.

Of the three bedrooms only only the master bedroom opens through wood-framed glass doors to an elevated concrete terrace that runs the full width of the house, incorporates a spa, and steps down the plunge-sized swimming pool. A rock patio along the pool certainly photographs nicely but can't feel that great on bare-footed tootsies, right? Anyways...

The detached two-car garage at the rear of the property has been converted to flexi-use living space with concrete floors, raw wood open shelves that cover and entire wall, and large windows that over look the swimming pool. Since the swimming pool and spa eat up a significant percentage of the backyard space the former driveway is show in listing photos as a spacious outdoor dining area and lounge.

If the staged furnishings in their Grove-adjacent house wasn't enough to tip the kids off that the couple has already moved on to another house, property records show the couple recently paid $2,025,000 for a brand new and much larger 3,700 square foot East Coast-y residence in one of the more desirable neighborhoods in Studio City, CA.

*Grove-adjacent is a terms (sometimes) used by (some) real estate agents to describe a property that's within a few blocks of The Grove, an outdoor mall that's connected to the historic Farmer's Market and is essentially a quintessentially Los Angeles faux version of Main Street U.S.A.

listing photos: Keller Williams

In Case You Missed It This Week

After she backed out of the purchase of Olivia Newton's John's $6.2 million water front house in Jupiter Inlet (FL) because someone committed suicide on the property right before the closing, Rosie O'Donnell has gone and spent somewhere in the neighborhood of $5 million for a gulf-front spread on Casey Key just south of Sarasota, FL. In addition to the four bedroom and seven bathroom plantation-style house with swimming pool and outdoor kitchen, the sale includes a covered boat slip at a nearby marina. Tennis queen Martina Navratilova sold her Casey Key house back in 2008 and prolific novelist Stephen King owns at least two homes including a modern manse on three lots the northern tip of the sand spit barrier island he bought in 2001 for $8.9 million. (source: Herald Tribune; listing photos: Sarasota Photography for Sotheby's International Realty)

Orlando Bloom listed his gated mini-estate in the star-studded Outpost Estates nabe in Los Angeles (CA) with a $4.5 million price tag. And, yes, this is the place famously burglarized by the Bling Ring and that, much to the chagrin of some of his neighbors, he painted black. (source: Redfin blog; listing photos: Coldwell Banker)

Barbadian-born international pop star Rihanna has moved out of her $12 million mansion in L.A.'s affluent and staid Pacific Palisades 'hood—because she keeps getting unwanted intruders—and (allegedly) leased a $39,000 per month duplex penthouse in New York City's SoHo 'hood. In case Riri might want to buy the penthouse it's also available for sale with a $14,660,000 price tag. (sources: TMZ and Daily Mail; listing photos: Town Residential)

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Facebook gajillionaire Mark Zuckerberg and his Doctor missus, Priscilla Chan, reportedly heard word that a developer planned to buy the house next door, build a big house and market it as being next door to Zuckerberg, as if that was a reason to buy a house. So, they did what anyone with a net worth near twenty billion dollars might (and can) do, they shelled out more than $23,000,000 to buy (at least) three of the adjacent properties. At that's in addition to the seven million bucks they paid in 2011 for their fully updated and upgraded five bedroom turn-of-the-century residence. The Zuckerberg-Chans reportedly don't have current plans to merge the properties and—so the story goes—have leased the houses back to the sellers. (San Jose Mercury News)

Your Mama Hears

...from Yolanda Yakketyyak, who swears on her mint-condition '85 Seville, that the mysterious buyer who paid $10.85 million for Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi DeGeneres's equestrian-oriented ranch-compound in Hidden Valley near Thousand Oaks, CA is none other than luxury t-shirt tycoon (and budding real estate baller) James Perse and his wife, Brandi (with an "i") Briskman.

Your Mama has discussed the horsey compound several times so if you want a more detailed description of the bucolic and semi-remote spread you can go here or here. Otherwise, suffice to say, the Missus Degeneres acquired the 26 acre ranch property in June 2009 for $8.5 million and, in typical real estate fashion for them, soon flipped it back on the market, first as a pocket listing and then on the open market. Originally priced at $16.5 million and last listed for $10.995 million, the property includes eight renovated residential cottages, two art studio/entertainment space barns, a ranch office, a stable block for half a dozen horses (plus a riding ring, etc), a screened yoga porch, a tree house, and a tennis court. There is not, as far as we know, a swimming pool.

Mister Perse, in case you don't follow the intersecting highways and bi-ways of fashion and commerce, is the progeny of Tommy Perse, owner of the legendary Los Angeles clothing boutique Maxfield. Mister Perse (the son) has become successful designer and an international purveyor of an eponymous line of luxury lounge-around wear; Think $65 for 100% domestic cotton slub casual v-neck t-shirts, $225 for slouchy woven crepe elastic waist pants—essentially swanky sweat pants—and $165 for sueded double knit kangaroo pocket hoodies.

The entrepreneurial Mister Perse has branched out in recent years to—among other things—design low-slung (and prodigiously pricey) furniture, develop a moisture-wicking performance-wear brand (Yosemite), and produce high-cost limited edition lifestyle products such as hand-crafted vintage-inspired skateboards, a rather sinister-looking all-black beach cruiser, solid teak pool and ping pong tables, and teak dog beds fitted with an hypoallergenic organic foam cushion covered in a waterproof, 100% Belgian linen polyfill duvet.

Anyhoodles, poodles, avid watchers of the upper-end Los Angeles real estate game will recognize Mister Perse as an increasingly frequent buyer (and seller) of superbly sited and impressively expensive real estate. In late 2010 he and the missus quietly shelled out $16 million for a glassy, bluff-top house in the Point Dume area of Malibu, in April (2013), after more than a year on and off the market, he finally unloaded in an off-market deal a one-bedroom house at the tippy-top of the Bird Streets above the Sunset Strip, and, most recently, in July (2013), the stylish (and obviously considerably rich) couple dropped $6,690,000 on a nearly 2-acre gated estate—also in Malibu's Point Dume area—that they bought from Dave Matthews Band guitarist Stefan Lessard.

And, finally, everybody knows by now that two Mays ago (2012) the Missus DeGeneres paid $17.4 million an iconic mid-century modern mansion in the lower section of Trousdale Estates in Beverly Hills and this last May (2013) they coughed up $26.5 million for an elegant, ten-ish acre estate in Montecito, CA, with an elegant, 10,000+ square foot stone-built villa designed and built by the elegant decorator John Saladino.

video: Interior Pixels (via YouTube)

The Great Cuba Gooding Jr. Sell Off Continues

SELLER: Cuba Gooding, Jr. and Sara Kapfer
LOCATION: Pacific Palisades, CA
PRICE: $11,995,000
SIZE: 6,753 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In late 2009 he sold a ho-hum 1950s canyon-view ranch-style residence just off Mulholland Drive in Studio City (CA) for $1.375 million and just this last August (2013) he sold a large, dated and perfectly ordinary house in the affluent Porter Ranch area of the San Fernando Valley for $735,000 and now comes word down the celebrity real estate gossip grapevine that Oscar-winning actor Cuba Gooding, Jr. listed his much more impressive and luxurious gated mini-estate in Pacific Palisades (CA) with an A-list asking price of $11,995,000.

His online resume shows Mister Gooding remains a steady working actor with starring roles in lots of (mostly straight to DVD action/thriller) movies we've never heard of before (i.e. The Devil's Tomb, Hardwired and The Hit List) and couple of small parts in more successful and/or critically well-regarded films such as the currently in theaters Don Juan and Lee Daniels' The Butler. However, at the risk of sounding like a catty beotch, it seems to Your Mama, Mister Gooding, Jr.'s (to-date) professional salad days were way back in the mid-1990s to the early-Aughts when he starred in films that include As Good As It Gets, Men of Honour, Pearl Harbor, and What Dreams May Come, and, in 1997, won an Academy Award for Jerry Maguire.*

Property records show Mister Gooding, Jr. and long-time wife and high-school sweetheart, Sara Kapfer, acquired their family-friendly Pacific Palisades mini-estate in May 2000 for $3,500,000. Current digital marketing materials don't state the square footage but the Los Angeles County Tax Man puts it at 6,753. The two-story, slate-roofed and smooth stucco-sided European-ish farmhouse-type abode was originally built in the early 1940s and currently contains seven bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms, five fireplaces, and two laundry rooms. There's also a separate guest house and garage parking for six or more cars.

A gated driveway opens off a secluded and rustic lane near Will Rogers State Park to a long driveway that cuts through a manicured sylvan landscape to the front of the house where custom glass and steel front doors open into a circular entry vestibule with stone floors and a spoke-like display of exposed ceiling beams.

The formal living room has wide-plank wood floors, a boxed wood ceiling, fireplace with some sort of antique-y looking carved or cast stone mantelpiece, and floor-to-ceiling steel-framed French doors on three sides the expose the room to the landscaped surroundings and open to various outdoor living areas. The floor switches to tumbled travertine (or some other beige-colored tumbled stone) in the formal dining room that has more floor-to-ceiling steel-framed windows and French doors as well as a slender, walk-in wine cellar and a butler's pantry.

Less formal family quarters include loft-like combination kitchen and family room with wide-plank wood floors under foot and exposed ceiling beams over head. A massive stone fireplace anchors the family room end where lots of windows and French doors make for a smooth transition to the outdoors. The colossal, cook-friendly kitchen has two work islands, several counter top materials—marble, wood and some sort of slab stone, and a full suite of industrial-style appliances that include two dishwashers and at least a couple of built-in warming drawers. An adjoining mud room, as per listing details, does double duty as a home office.

In addition to the half dozen family/guest bedrooms throughout the property there's a spacious master suite with vaulted, exposed beam ceiling and direct access to a private terrace. There's also a sitting area with yet another stone-faced fireplace, furniture-grade closets, and a marble-floored bathroom with two-sink vanity, free-standing soaking tub set in front of a picture window with tree-top view, and a separate glass-enclosed steam shower with convenient built-in tiled bench.

Other celebrity-style features of the Gooding, Jr. mini-estate include: A second floor den where open rough hewn wood shelves flank a fireplace; A wood-floored, mirror-walled, and punching bag-equipped gym  installed in part of the garage—if y'all look closely you can see a covered car reflected in the mirror; And, naturally, a home theater with vaulted exposed wood ceiling, contemporary drum-style light fixtures, a wide-screen projection system, and tiered seating.

Shaded and stone-floored verandas ring the main living spaces on the lower level and give way to, verdant outdoor areas that include expansive lawns with lush landscaping and mature shade trees, and a hedge-enclosed swimming pool and elevated spa. Perhaps the most unusual and certainly unexpected outdoor recreational feature, tucked into a sweeping—and probably noisy—curve of Sunset Boulevard, in a spot where a person might understandably expect a tennis court, we find a lighted ice hockey rink complete with glass protection barrier. Now, children, how many private outdoor ice hockey rinks do you think there are in sunny southern California? Probably more than Your Mama might guess but it really can't be that many since ice hockey really isn't much of a thing in southern California, you know? Anyways...

*Mister Gooding, Jr. also won a Screen Actors Guild Award and a Golden Globe nomination for Jerry Maguire, taken home three Image Awards—Firelight (2012), Gifted Hands: The Ben Carson Story (2009), Radio (2003), and in 2002 he was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

listing photos: Berkshire Hathaway HomeServices

Sketch Comedy King Michael McDonald Lists Hollywood Hills House

SELLER: Michael McDonald
LOCATION: Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $3,495,000
SIZE: 3,250 square feet, 2-3 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A friendly birdie we'll call Lou Neetoones flew down and let Your Mama know that (comedy) actor/writer/director/producer Michael McDonald hoisted his long time (and just about diabolically earth-tonal) home in Los Angeles's Nichols Canyon on the open market with a $3,495,000 price tag.

Before Mister McDonald achieved physical comedy genius-ness on MadTV—that's right we said it so deal with it—the former loan officer appeared in a slew of gawdawful horror and thriller franchise sequels. There was Bloodfist IV, V, VI and VII,  Leprechaun 2, The Unborn II, and let's not forget Carnosaur 2 and 3. Not only did he show up in a bunch of horror movies, in the 1990s Mister McDonald penned a handful of really bad horror movies for both the small and the silver screens (The Crazysitter, A Bucket of Blood and Alien Avengers I and II).

During his long tenure at MadTV (1998-2008), Mister McDonald frequently appeared as Dr. Toilet on the sitcom Scrubs and since the sketch comedy show went dark in 2008 he's landed recurring parts on a couple of sitcoms including Rita Rocks, Cougar Town* and, currently, on the clever (and Emmy-nominated) short-form web-series turned half-hour cable sitcom Web Therapy.

Property records show Mister McDonald paid $1,979,000 for his hillside abode in the Hollywood Hills in December 2004 and current listing details, which include floor plans (below), show the updated and upgraded three story Mediterranean-style villa was built in 1977 and is currently configured with two generous bedroom suites and a total of 4.5 bathrooms.

We're not sure if it was Mister McDonald who's responsible or if perhaps a previous owner did it but whatever landscaping there may have once been in the front yard was ripped out and replaced with an apron of polished Mexican pavers that provides five off-street parking spaces in addition to the two in the attached, direct access garage. We know some of you would prefer a carpet of unnaturally green grass but do y'all know how rare that a house in the Hills of Hollywood can claim seven off-street parking spaces?

A spider web of vines and shrubs clings to the windowless street façade where double carved wood doors set into a shallow portico open not, as expected, directly into the house but rather into a small tiled-courtyard that Mister McDonald dressed with a couple of potted palms and a glass-topped cafe table for four. Two sets of arched French doors—we j'adore all the arched French doors—give access to the uppermost level of the residence; One set opens into a stair hall (with a privately situated powder pooper) and the other into a much roomier main foyer.

The dark brown wood floors in the foyer continue through a wide archway into an open-concept living area that spans the full width of the back of the house and opens through three sets of arched French doors to a slender, awning-shaded and heater-equipped balcony also spans the full width of the back of the house. The "formal" living room area is anchored by a fireplace with (what looks to Your Mama like) a cast concrete mantelpiece and furnished with a whole bunch of brown thing set off against a ruby red Persian (or maybe it's Oriental) rug and another potted palm.

An extra-wide archway connects the living room to the dining room where there are more arched French doors and more brown (and mostly wood) furniture set atop a rug red accents. Yet another archway links the dining room to the center island outfitted with custom, medium brown-toned raised panel cabinetry, a mix of granite and marble counter tops, and high-grade appliances.

On the middle level, two master-style bedroom suites each have a bedroom with direct access via (non-arched) French doors to a small, private terrace that connects by way of long stairway to the lower level backyard area. Each master suite also has a separate sitting room with French doors and Juliet balcony, adequate (if not exactly celebrity-scaled) closets, and a renovated (if not exactly decoratively thrilling) en suite facility. One suite has a custom-fitted walk-in closet and a weird little wood stove heater thing in the corner of the bedroom and the other has a step down sitting room and a jetted bathtub in addition to the glass-enclosed shower stall. One (or possibly both) of the sitting rooms could be converted to bedrooms and, should the next owner want to do such a thing, a hall-accessible three-quarter bathroom easily accommodates such a reconfiguration.

The stairs continue down to the tile-floored lowest level where a dishwasher-equipped kitchenette with a bizarrely high center island snack counter. An adjoining sunken family room is furnished with a large tan sectional sofa and a wall-mounted flat screen television not to mention another one of those wood-burning stove heater thingamabobs in the corner. On the other side of the kitchenette there's  just enough space for a small dinette set and a compact three-quarter bathroom.

French doors in the dining area open to a half-flight of exterior steps that descend to a column-lined, vine-draped, and trellis-shaded terrace that overlooks the the swimming pool. Even more steps lead down to the pool terrace where there's an awning-shaded open-air cabana at one end and at the other a heater-equipped outdoor kitchen and dining area enshrouded in dense, jungle-like foliage. An octagonal, eight-person spa was placed off by itself for maximum spa-time privacy in a forest of ferns.

Lucky for potential buyers who might feel a real connection to Mister McDonald's affinity for all things khaki-, beige-, camel-, chamois-, tan-, ecru- and otherwise brown-colored things, listing information indicates "Most furnishings avail for sale sep."

*Mister McDonald, to his professionally expansive credit and among a sundry of other gigs, wrote three episodes, directed more than 20, and produced 50+ episodes of Cougar Town.

listing photos: Hilton & Hyland

Mid-Week Morsel: Oprah Winfrey

Your Mama only read it this week in The Hollywood Reporter but several months ago multi-billionaire media maven Oprah Winfrey told her own O Magazine that her 23,000 square foot Neo-Georgian mega-mansion in Montecito, CA, was about to get a complete decorative re-do because the European antique-filled, sherbet-toned situation just isn't her thing anymore. What she actually said was "it was all very grand, but it wasn't very true to myself," and that, "the thing that had been missing from all the beautiful places I'd ever lived in, was me!"

What?!? First of all, we're not sure we understand what that actually means but, secondly, do you mean to tell Your Mama and all the gazillions of people whose lives hang on your every book suggestion, Miz Winfrey, that all these years you've been a fantastically rich, self-made woman of mass-market super-influence and impressive philanthropic deeds you have lived in a slew of luxury residences—including this place in Montecito you called The Promised Land—that did not feel to you like an authentic reflection of who you really are? Lady, pleeze. You did not really say that, did you?

Listen, children, we're all for refreshing or completely re-imagining the design and decor of one's home and we can completely understand if The Big O wants to shift towards something a little more understated and whole lot less formal. Have at it. Throw all that gilt-trimmed rich-granny shit out and and let your decorative freak flag fly. We love it. But, seriously, for Miz Winfrey to go on the public record, in her own magazine, and say that all that Old-Money-style decor on which she unquestionably spent a goodly sized (new) fortune did not reflect her real and true self seems to Your Mama to be, well, preposterously disingenuous. Nobody twisted her arm and made her buy Louis the This armchairs or a Louis the That inlaid marble chest so she should just put on her big girl pants and own it, okay?

As far as this cynical property gossip is concerned, her houses and their professionally executed interiors were—and are—terrifically accurate physical manifestations of exactly who she is and exactly who she wanted—and wants—people to think she is: a stately woman of extraordinary wealth and tremendous influence and power who created and for decades has maintained an essentially eponymous super-brand with trans-global reach and, yes, world-wide pop cultural domination. Why else, fer chrissakes, does a person pay $50 million for a 23,000 square foot house on 42 manicured acres in one of the most prestigious and expensive residential enclaves in all of the world and then hire a world-class carriage trade decorator to do it up like a baronial English country house with museum quality antiques?

In fairness, in the O article, which we read on Curbed, the tycooness did good-naturedly skewer herself regarding the curated snootiness of the decor. "Apparently, a hand embroidered pillow from the 1880s doesn't scream, 'Kick back and have a drink!'' she said; And, she went on, "it's not easy to do an entire library that says, 'Do not touch the books,' but somehow I managed." Well, that's all quite charming and ha-ha-hee-hee, but we wonder what The Promised Land's high-brow decorator, Anthony P. Browne, thought of those comments?*

Anyways, Miz Winfrey has decided to part with all her gilded mirrors, marble urns, and green and white gingham sofas that exactly match the green and white gingham fabric covered walls, and all the other probably ludicrously expensive things that she now feels are not a faithful representation of who she really is. Obviously a global superstar can't just have a yard sale like Pamela Anderson or Tori Spelling so Miz Winfrey's no longer wanted things will be sold off to the highest bidder at a highly-publicized auction because, well, doesn't everyone have a deep desire to get in a bidding war over one of the chat show queen's once treasured trinkets or baubles that she now disowns as being or having been an authentic decorative echo of her true self? We know it's probably unpopular and maybe even unkind to say out loud but it's almost more than Your Mama can bear to witness without a nerve pill and a gin & tonic or two. That said...

Public previews for Miz Winfrey's unwanted goods run October 30 through November 1 at the Santa Barbara Polo Club and Racquet Club in Montecito's less-lustrous neighboring seaside community of Carpinteria. The November 2nd sale, handled by Bev Hills-based Kaminski Auctions, will include all manner of odds and ends from Miz Winfrey's homes in Chicago, Hawaii, Indiana, and Montecito and the proceeds will benefit the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy Foundation College Fund. Glossy catalogs can be purchased through the auction house for fifty clams and, Your Mama predicts, will become coveted as a collector's item by collectors of celebrity auction catalogs.

The decorative overhaul of Miz Winfrey's Montecito mansion—a extreme home make over that is meant to be ready in time for her star-studded 60th birthday party next January and the one that will, presumably, be a carefully calibrated decorative duplicate of however it is Miz Winfrey sees her authentic self—is reportedly being handled by the extremely capable and accomplished lady-decorator Rose Tarlow, an internationally renown decorator/designer who is much prized by the deep-pocketed likes of David Geffen, Barbara Walters and Eli Broad for her subtle, sophisticated, and brutally expensive decorative ways.**

*With all due respect, it would seem extraordinarily accomplished high-society decorator Anthony P. Browne, the man responsible for the sherbet-y rich-granny day-core at The Promised Land and a man the people at Architectural Digest said Miz Winfrey considered her "aesthetic mentor," probably didn't think anything of his client's (re-)assessment of his handiwork since he passed on last October (2012).

**It was Miz Tarlow, in fact and according to the O article, who spurred the transformation of The Promised Land when she bluntly told Oprah '"This house has nothing to do with you."

photos: O Magazine, via Curbed

Mid-Week Morsel: The Royal Couple

Prince Duke William and Her Duchess Highness Kate—or whatever their official titles are—are ready to move into their newly re-done apartment at London's historic Kensington Palace and details are beginning to seep out about the recent overhaul of the 20-room spread that was for many years the grace and favor residence of the current queen's late sister, Princess Margaret.

So the story goes, the queen-to-be spent the months of her recent pregnancy bargain shopping and picking out lots of beige-y neutrals and earthtones this and thats for the decorative do-over of the massive, mansion-sized apartment that the kids at Curbed reported yesterday as three kitchens, two nurseries, a master suite with his and her bathrooms, and a panic room that is '"dressed up to look like any other room in the house, but it's equipped for a number of scenarios."'

photo: Pacific Coast News

Mid-Week Morsel: Zac Efron

As first reported by celebrity gossip juggernaut TMZ, recently rehabbed teen and tween heartthrob Zac Efron bought himself a four million dollar sober house in L.A.'s Los Feliz area. The hillside clinging house, a so-called "Zen Contemporary" at the tail end of a very long and gated driveway that ensures paps can't see him get in or out of his car, has 4 bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms in 5,664 square feet plus a separate guest house with one bedroom and one bathroom. Digital listings still show the property as pending with an asking price of $3,995,000 but, oddly enough, records Your Mama peeped show the property last transferred in early October (2013) for $3,995,000.

Not that what Your Mama thinks is worth dog poop but we think Mister Efron's old house, a very serious piece of contemporary architecture in the Hollywood Hills, is a much better house even if it's not quite so private and probably filled with memories of the sorts of things that sent the young A-lister to rehab.

(listing photos: Coldwell Banker)

Is Beverly Park Gettin' a New Über-Modern Manse?

Nestled high in the mountains above Beverly Hills, Los Angeles's most famous, guard-gated enclave—that would be Beverly Park, children—is divided in two sections. In the larger and more well-known north section, the extra-wide streets are pin drop silent and lined with walled, gated and heavily-fortified multi-acre estates anchored by positively steroidal mansions. In the smaller, lesser known southern section, accessible through a separate but also guard-gated security check point, the slightly less wide but no less silent streets are lined with walled, gated, and heavily-fortified multi-acre estates with, generally speaking, slightly less gargantuan mansions.

Along with a couple Middle Eastern potentates, several billionaire financiers, and a handful of power house real estate developers, current residents of Beverly Park include a bevy of (clearly very rich) entertainment industry veterans like Reba McEntire, Sylvester Stallone, Denzel Washington, Jami Gertz, Eddie Murphy, Sumner Redstone, Paul Resier, and—one of the community's newest—Mark Wahlberg. All those folk shack up in the northern section. Residents of the sixteen mansions that comprise the smaller and more sedate but still sensationally posh southern section include car-collecting financier David Sydorick, Alex von Furstenberg—he would be Diane's noble-born son, media-savvy Beverly Hills cosmetic dermatologist Simon Ourian, Oscar-nominated actor Samuel Jackson, and former professional basketballer Earvin "Magic" Johnson.

Down in the south-most section of the south section, on a prominent yet private 6.28-acre promontory purchased sometime around 1987 for an unknown amount, enormously influential Oscar-winning producer Richard Zanuck—the son of pioneering producer Darryl F. Zanuck and an honest-to-goodness Hollywood royal—and his Oscar-winning third wife Lili Fini Zanuck hired mansion specialist Marc Appleton to design their empty-nester dream house. The result was a dignified and properly proportioned 10,000 square foot, quoin-cornered red-brick Georgian residence (below) with grand entertaining spaces, a magnificent double-height library, and just one bedroom. That's right, children, one bedroom. At first glance, it might seem idiosyncratic and impractical to build a one-bedroom mansion but, children, iffin y'all will think about it for a minute, you might also find it's wonderfully civilized in an ultra-patrician sort of way. People of this status and wealth do not just ring their friends and co-workers and ask if they can crash on the couch when they come to town. No, puppies. Anyways, two wisely incorporated one-bedroom guest houses were added to house over-night guests without the good sense (or disposable income) to book in to the Beverly Hills Hotel. Other features of note that we know about include a tennis court and swimming pool, a movie theater—natch, and a fitness center that, so the story goes, was designed by action flick actor and former governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Mister Zanuck went to meet the great producer in the sky—or whatever—last July (2012), and almost immediately whispers began to circulate amongst the cream of the Platinum Triangle real estate crop about whether The Widda Zanuck would or would not sell her highly customized Beverly Park pad. It wasn't long before unsubstantiated rumors made their way in to Your Mama's inbox that said the house was quietly available with a $26 million dollar price tag. Then, last November, international property gossips when hog wild when it was reported by no less than the Wall Street Journal that the elegant estate was sold for $20.1 million to "a European businessman who specializes in real estate investment."

In the days just after the property was sold, Your Mama heard word from real estate yenta Yolanda Yakktyyak who suggested we get a good hold of our real estate britches because, she hissed with wide-eyed flabbergast, the new owners plan to raze the Zanuck's mansion. Well, you could of knocked this property gossip down with a gentle breeze. Yolanda carried on and told us that her sources tell her that the European businessman owner is actually a Europe-based member of the politically powerful and preposterously rich Hariri family of Lebanon. But, hunties, that is like fourth hand real estate scuttlebutt so hear that for what it is. Okay?

Just in case some of you single-minded real estate freaks and pop culture vultures don't know who these Hariri people are, may we suggest you read a newspaper or, for the more modern-minded, a news feed. The Hariri family is, to be sure, one of the—if not the—wealthiest and most powerful families in all of Lebanon. The family figurehead, Rafic—or sometimes Rafik or Rafiq—Hariri, first made a world-class fortune building things for the Saudi royal family. He went on to found a well-funded philanthropic foundation and, in the early 1980s, returned to his homeland and dove head first in to politics. He was twice the internationally well regarded yet, ultimately, controversial Prime Minister of Lebanon, from 1992 to 1998 and again from 2000 until 2004. In 2005, shortly after he resigned as Prime Minister, Mister Hariri was assassinated by car bomb in Beirut. His extended family, however, remains a vital and influential part of Lebanon's deeply interwoven political and financial worlds. Indeed, Mister Hariri's multi-billionaire second son from his first wife, Saad, served as Prime Minister of Lebanon from late 2009 until mid-June 2011.

We really don't know the details of how Rafic Hariri's multi-billion dollar fortune was doled out or who got exactly what but it only takes a couple of fingers and an internet connection to sort out that many of those closest to him—certainly Mister Hariri's second wife, Nazek, and several if not all seven of his surviving surviving children—are billionaires who, theoretically speaking, have the financial wherewithal to spend twenty million dollars on a one bedroom mansion, knock it down, and replace it with another house that would be more to their liking and would, we can all be assured, cost another small fortune to build. But we digress...

We plum forgot about the Zanuck house until, like so many of the children, we watched suave-y real estate broker Josh Altman on a recent episode of Million Dollar Listing flirtatiously negotiate with listing agent Marisa Zanuck for the successful purchase of the property on behalf of a mysterious client. Miz Zanuck is the daughter-in-law of Lili and Richard Zanuck—she's married to movie producer Dean Zanuck, Richard's son (and Lili's step-son)—who, reality television watcher surely recall, appeared in the last season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. In the final scene of the Altman-Zanuck story arc, Mister Altman, Miz Zanuck, and the mysterious buyer's representative—a young, strapping and good-looking fella, meet in a charming outdoor bôite for a coffee and keys exchange and, much to Miz Zanuck's (maybe mock) surprise, it is revealed—just as Yolanda told us way back in mid-December, 2012—the sellers plan to knock the house down.

Both Your Mama and Yolanda imagined the new owner would replace the Zanuck's classically aristocratic if impractical one bedroom mansion with a bloated faux-Tuscan pile or super-sized faux-chateau. After all, Beverly Park is littered with the those sorts of things, some reasonable facsimiles and some just plain awful. Well—dontcha know children?—it wasn't long before Your Mama received a covert communique from the always helpful Diane Todish who enlightened Your Mama with a link over to a YouTube-accessible video that shows a 3-D rendering of the house (and etc.) that the new owner of the Zanuck compound commissioned from the accomplished firm of Los Angeles-based architect Marc Whipple. But, children, it is not a mock-Med mega-mansion the new owners would like to build but rather a very contemporary compound wrapped in floor-to-ceiling glass walls that give way to broad terraces, deep verandas, and bird's eye canyon and city views.



Mister Whipple of Whipple Russell Architects, for those of you who do not know his name, is perhaps best known for glassy and very contemporary architectural confections, several of which are or have been owned and/or occupied by celebs. Before she bought her own six million dollar house in Bel Air, extremely well-compensated comedienne/provocateur Chelsea Handler rented a Whipple-designed house in Brentwood's Mandeville Canyon area. In 2011 sitcom star (and contemporary architecture buff) Matthew Perry plunked down $8.65 million for sleek, Whipple-designed digs in the trendy Bird Streets area above the Sunset Strip and, just this year (2013), Adam Wiles—a.k.a. 29-year old DJ Calvin Harris, a.k.a. the highest-earning DJ in the world last year with a $46 million take—paid $7 million for a Zen-modern micro-compound, also above the Sunset Strip, designed by Mister Whipple and—coincidentally—listed at the time by none other than Josh Altman.

We have no idea how many square feet Mister Whipple's planned contemporary compound encompasses but in the main house, in addition to vast, open concept public spaces and a huge kitchen/family room that opens out to the swimming pool and outdoor living spaces, we counted eight bedrooms—all with en suite bathroom and extensive dressing room/closets—and nine full and two half bathrooms. Down in the basement, nest to the subterranean five car garage, staff quarters provide four more bedrooms, two Jack-'n'-Jill bathrooms, and a kitchen-equipped staff lounge.

Two bedrooms, each with en suite facilities and walk-in closets, flank a glass-walled living/dining/kitchen area in the detached guest house that's divided from the motor court by a privacy wall and a shallow moat. The guest house, which overlooks the tennis court, sits on top of additional interior space of undetermined use that opens directly on to the court's viewing platform. Your Mama thinks it's probably pretty safe to assume that the partly underground area below the guest house will contain a fitness center, spa, screening room, and/or some other specialized-use space that only rich people can afford to install in their homes where at least one bathroom would be a convenient feature and, in the case of a spare-no-expense house like this, a quite likely one.

Repeated viewing of the video suggests to Your Mama that another bathroom was planned in the glass-walled pool house, which would make sense because, let's get real, who builds a house like this where dripping wet pool users have to traipse through the house in their bathing suits to do their mid-tanning session business? Nobody, that's who. We'd also be shocked—if one can be shocked by something this trivial—if there wasn't also a bathroom in the small guard house next to the drive gates because where else are the (probably) armed guards supposed to relieve themselves?

That all comes, by our boozy count, to a grand total of 14 bedrooms and at least 15—if not 16—full bathrooms, and at least two half bathrooms. All of that for an individual or family who will—more likely than not—make use of the high-maintenance property several weeks or—at best—a couple months of the year. Or maybe, Your Mama speculates, this will turn out to be a spec-built behemoth and the "European businessman who specializes in real estate investment" who may or may not be a billionaire member of the Hariri family will flip the finished compound on the market with an astronomical price tag sure to get the attention of trophy property buying billionaires and property gossips around the globe. We shall see, butter beans, we shall see.

Just to make this circle round...Lili Zanuck moved on to another compound just down the hill that she bought from our favorite Tinseltown minx, Sharon Stone who bought the property in March 2006 for $10,995,000, never moved in and then spent years unsuccessfully trying to unload the property at a variety of prices. Eventually, along came Miz Zanuck who, in November 2012, shelled out $6,595,000 for the less impressive but no less luxuriously appointed estate.

aerial photo: Pacific Coast News
exterior photo: Appleton & Associates

video: Whipple Russel Architects via You Tube

Real Estate - Housing Woes Coming to an End?

With the mortgage crisis being the biggest news in the economy today, it's time to take a step back and see how it has affected the real estate industry. Home prices are finally starting to rebound, and that's a good sign for the economy.
It appears that the sun is starting to break through the clouds for the housing market. Housing prices saw their first week over week increases this quarter. Boston housing prices are leading the way, up 0.5% from last week after being down 1.2% in the last 90 days. Las Vegas, still the most effected cit, decreased 1.2% this week and is down 6.9% in the last 90 days.
Increasing housing prices are a positive sign across the board. Foundering mortgage companies benefit, as any potential foreclosure sales will yield higher revenues. In turn, this will decrease the losses the companies are forced to take. This news looks good for home builders, especially for the industry leaders such as DR Horton Inc. (DHI) and Toll Brothers Inc. (TOL).
The timing seems to be perfect for investing in Real Estate Investment Trusts (REIT). The combination of rising housing prices and decreasing interest rates makes for an optimal situation. Recently REIT's have traded at their relative bottoms and are extremely cheap at this point in time. This works to our advantage as investors in two ways: climbing stock prices and attractive dividend yields.
What makes REIT's different from normal publicly traded companies is that it gives investors a way to own business and their real estate holdings - without the liquidity issues that face private real estate ownership. In addition, REIT's pay out greater than 90% of their book profit in the form of a dividend.
Lower interest rates have had a detrimental effect on investor's cash reserves, whether they are in the form of savings accounts or CD's, which makes high-yielding stocks that much more attractive. As interest rates continue to be lowered by the Federal Reserve, more and more investors will be taking their cash out of savings instruments and buying up safe, dividend-yielding stocks to recoup their lost interest income. And what better place to invest than in REIT's. This week's average rate for a six month CD is 3.10%, while REIT's such as Simon Property Group (SPG), Post Properties Inc. (PPS), and Duke Realty Corp (DRE), are yielding as much as 4.1%, 5.8%, and, 7.9% respectively.
Realty corporations like Realogy Corp. should see the most immediate turn around, as rising home prices will hit their income statements the quickest.
The bottom line here for the individual investor is that the future looks bright, as the housing market appears to be rebuilding itself.

Sarasota Real Estate Housing Market: General Aversion Towards Homes Sold "As-is"

On October 6, 2006, CNN Money reports of Moody's Economy.com survey and analysis of housing markets of metropolitan areas in the United States. The authors of this study project that one of the areas that would be most affected by price decline in the near future is the Sarasota real estate housing market, ranked fifth overall of the home price decline forecast. The deepest price drop of 14 percent is yet to be experienced by the third quarter of 2007. In a market like this, many homes are being sold "as-is."
Buyers are often averse to taking risks in screening or buying an "as-is" real estate property because of the general fear that sellers might be trying to cover up something radically wrong with the house. On the contrary, buyers should not overlook "as-is" homes solely for this reason. As a matter of fact, as Sarasota real estate buyer's agent Regina Brassil points out, "[as-is] homes are often great purchases with very minor work needed."
Normally in the Sarasota real estate housing market, as in any other real estate market for that matter, a home seller might be accountable for a particular proportion of the repairs required to be done to the home. This proportion for repairs is usually determined by a licensed home inspector. What buyers should be considerable about is that sellers are more and more selling the home "as-is" to turn aside the chances of unexpectedly paying for repairs out of their pockets, especially as costs escalate with homes sitting in the Sarasota housing market longer than usual. In addition, "as-is" homes are being sold for a variety of other reasons, and sellers may not be particularly aware of any concern regarding the integrity of the home. Nevertheless, these as-is home sellers often will ask a lower price in return. Buyers' aversion is generally driven by the misconception that an as-is home is in need of a massive overhaul. Quite contrarily, this is rarely true in reality.
There is also no reason to worry because buyers are protected in several ways. In Florida, sellers fill out "Property Disclosure" forms, which are readily accessible by prospective buyers. In this form, the seller is bound to disclose any material problem of the house that he is aware of, such as prior roof drips, planned land use changes, or an out-of-order security system, to name a few. Moreover, sellers refer their knowledge to prospect buyers in order to help them make a better informed decision. Thus, fears about concealed damages to the house are pretty unfounded.
Another protection bestowed to the buyer is that they are allowed, by all means, to invoke their right to an inspection of any Sarasota real estate property they wish to purchase. In Sarasota, the inspection period generally ranges from 10 days to 2 weeks, and gives home buyers the chance to carry out any inspections--through a professional home inspector if they wish--most commonly being a general home inspection and a pest control inspection.
Brassil recommends writing a contract "As-Is with Right to Inspect." By the time they make a bid, buyers can specify a dollar value in repairs they are willing to absorb. If a licensed professional inspector reckons that the repairs required for the property exceeds the amount they can absorb, buyers have the right to call off the contract and retrieve their deposit. Such an arrangement can be considered "win-win" because not only does it allow the seller to desist from being accountable for any repairs, but also affords protection to the buyer that they are not locked into a contract in case a serious issue about the home surfaces out.
Buyers might be led to think that they all have the decisive hand in transactions taking place in a buyer's market like the Sarasota housing market
. But it is important for them to be aware that a seller is never in charge for aesthetic improvements to the home such as a new paint job, for example. Put differently, a buyer cannot base the costs for needed repairs from expected aesthetic costs. Buyers need not worry though, for they will be protected from major aspects of the home that is not readily obvious to the untrained observer.

Andy Roddick and Brooklyn Decker List...and Sell...and Buy...and Buy Again

SELLERS: Andy Roddick and Brooklyn Decker
LOCATION: Austin, TX
PRICE: 8,660 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms
SIZE: $12,500,000

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In the months before and after Andy Roddick retired, on his 30th birthday, in an emotional on-court speech last August (2012) at the U.S. Open, the 2003 U.S. Open winner and his model/actress wife, Brooklyn Decker, went on a bit of a real estate rampage during which they bought two new houses, sold another and—we first learned from Tex. S. Tattletale—listed their large and nearly new, lake-side mansion in Austin, TX with an asking price of $12,500,000.*

Your Mama's research indicates the enviably comely and deliciously shapely couple, married in April 2009, purchased the 1.8 acre lake-front spread in November 2009 for an unknown amount of money through a corporate entity that, with the assistant of the handy-dandy internets, Your Mama easily linked directly to Mister Roddick through public records.

Listing details show the two-story stone and stucco house, set well off the street down a long driveway, has a total of five bedrooms and 7.5 bathrooms in 8,960 square feet of open plan living spaces that are both airy and earthy with vaulted (exposed wood) ceilings, polished concrete and rustic wood floors, lots of stone columns and other organic accents.

In the spacious center hall entry a ring laden with (probably and hopefully) faux-candle serves as a chandelier and a mis-matched group of three dimensional letters hung vertically on the wall spell the word "smile." Smile. Ugh. Don't misunderstand Your Mama, now. We have no qualm with Miz Decker and we love us some Andy Roddick—we were there, in the stadium, the night he won the U.S. Open in 2003 and we teared up during his retirement speech—but we find that wall-mountd smile business to be too cutesy, smarmy even, and—forgive us our silly word-smithing ways—a decorative double-fault. Anyways, the roomy foyer connects to the residence's main living and entertaining areas that include a dark paneled study/library with adjoining office nook, an over-sized formal dining room (with another faux-candle chandelier situation), and a extra-long living room with multiple seating areas, a stone fireplace, a long wall of built-in entertainment cabinetry, and French doors that open to a heated veranda with lake views.

The kitchen, open to the massive main living area over a four-stool center island snack counter, looks to Your Mama to be somewhat small-ish for a 9,000 square foot house but that might just be the way the pictures were taken and is, none-the-less, most certainly expensively equipped with custom mill work, a glass-fronted built-in break front, and the usual suite of high-grade commercial-style stainless steel appliances. An adjoining breakfast room has two walls of windows and, on a third wall, a couple of floating stainless steel shelves cantilevered over a low storage buffet.

The master suite has a private sitting area, vaulted ceiling, motorized black out shades, and his and her en suite facilities. Hers is an all-white, casually glammy affair with steam shower, separate tub and its very own washer and dryer (in the custom closet) while his skews towards a more masculine (and beige) vibe with rugged (but smooth to the touch) stone tile work, an open shower, an ice bath, and—because no one wants to run to the kitchen for a Bud with a face full of shaving cream—a built-in refrigerator.

Although Your Mama can't imagine why anyone would ever want a dozen house guests all at the same time, it appears the Roddick-Deckers can actually put up (at least) 12 over-night guests. There are four guest bedrooms that will sleep eight people. All of the bedrooms, according to listing details, have lake views and en suite crappers and at least some of which are privately located in a second floor wing where there's also a bug-thwarting screened lanai. Four more guests—perhaps children or those who don't qualify for a private suite—can be put up in the games room/man cave that's equipped with a wet bar/kitchenette, a poker table, and bunkhouse-style bunk beds with flimsy plaid curtains for (an illusion of) privacy.

The back of the house opens to a veranda with built in heaters that soften the nippy winter edges and allow for year-round outdoor living. Beyond the veranda there's a swimming pool and spa, an outdoor kitchen, and a broad lawn that stretches down to the lake's edge where a covered (but not enclosed) boat house holds a good-sized ski boat and a couple of jet skis. Near the head of the long, curvaceous driveway a detached structure (that looks a little chapel-esque) is where Mister and Missus Roddick house the fitness equipment they use to keep their bodies looking like this and this.

Before they were married the couple picked up an 866 square foot one bedroom and one bathroom apartment with high ceilings and exposed brick walls at the Gramercy Habitat building on E. 22nd Street—a converted brewery—that they sold in June 2010 for $200,000 less than the $1.1 million they paid for it in 2008. But, children, that's boring old news compared to the Roddick-Decker's more recent spate of real estate activity.

Last August (2012), just before he retired, Mister Roddick quietly sold, for $350,000, a three bedroom and 2.5 bathroom house in Boca Raton, FL, that he bought way back in October 2001 for $310,000. In October (2012), just after he retired, he and his North Carolina-bred missus dropped $300,000 to acquire a secluded 2.76 acre spread in the teeny-tiny, scenic, and—let's be honest, butter beans—somewhat unlikely community of Cashiers, NC. Your Mama isn't quite sure if the property has an existing residence—we think it does—but word on the celebrity real estate street around Cashiers is that the couple plan to build a house on the semi-remote property.

Lest any Texans in general and/or Austinites in particular worry that Mister Roddick has gone Hollywood with his actress wife or permanently decamped to the Smokies and forsaken the Lone Star State let Your Mama assure you, he has not. Property records we dug up show Mister Roddick and Miz Decker have, in fact, already acquired their next Texas home, a 15-plus acre spread in a small gated enclave on the western outskirts of Austin that they covertly scooped up in July (2013) for $3,694,000.

Listing details we managed to tease out of the internets show the property includes a 6,595 square foot stone- and wood-clad residence with five bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms, and a one-third mile long private driveway that ensures seclusion. Interior appointments include five fireplaces, reclaimed pine floors, ceiling beams from the original Chicago Stock Exchange, stone walls, and custom milled chestnut wood doors. The back of the two-story house opens to multi-level terraces and an amoebic negative edge swimming pool and spa.

*As best as Your Mama can tell, the property popped up on the open market in late June (2013) with an asking price of $12.5 million. The listing was removed just two months later but still appears on the listing agent's website as a so-called whisper or pocket listing.

listing photos (Austin, sell): Capital City Sotheby's International Realty
listing photo and floor plan (New York): Sotheby's International Realty
listing photo (Austin, buy): Gottesman Residential Real Estate

Being the Bad Guy

"The plumber's back," Mr Wonderful said peering out the window and setting down his coffee cup.

"Good," I said emptying my tea cup.

"I'll be the bad guy."

"I'll be the bad guy."

"I said it first."

"I'm more diplomatic!" I said elbowing past Mr. Wonderful.

The hardest thing for DIY fixer uppers like Mr. Wonderful and I was letting someone else do the work on The House while we sat idly by. The short--and long--reason was: We didn't trust anyone to do the work as well as we knew we could. But the plumbing and electrical projects we needed had to be done by licensed, bonded professionals. So after we dug a formidable trench, we contracted a plumber who came, installed pipes and left. The only problem was said plumber did the work while leaving said pipes sticking out of our house like the bolts poking out of Frankenstein's neck. The short--and long--of it was: It wasn't pretty. So now Mr. Wonderful and I were debating who would to talk to the plumber about this Franken-house problem.

"Morning, Michael," I said waving to the plumber.

"Hi--" Michael said smiling.

"My wife wants to talk to you," Mr Wonderful said deferring to me. Ahhh, I married a wise man.

"What a beautiful morning," Michael said flashing his pearly whites. Note to self: everyone in L.A. has gorgeous teeth, including the plumbers.

"That's right, I want to talk to you," I said leaping between my spouse and the plumber.

"Your house is so beautiful," Michael said looking around. "When I was here yesterday I spent all day in the trench and attic that I didn't get to experience how nice it is here. It's really nice."

My anger faded. My heart melted. The plumber liked my House? I loved this plumber!

"Thank you," I said blushing as if he'd complimented me on my hair, eyes or stellar sense of humor. "You did excellent work," I added. Behind me I heard Mr. Wonderful roll his eyes. Without a doubt, he is the loudest roller of eyes I've ever known. 

"Okay, I'll be going then," Michael said turning on his heel and heading back to his truck.

"Wait," Mr Wonderful said in a slow, deep voice. My spouse's vocal chords were well suited for a radio announcer, a story-book reader or a hard-baller giving someone a big-time reprimand. Now I thought--now!--Michael's going to hear how unhappy we are with his work, see how it looked like a Frankenstein plumbing job, and know that it had to be redone like, yesterday. 

Unfortunately Michael was either a rebel or terribly hard of hearing because he kept walking. He walked away from Mr. Wonderful, away from me and toward the back gate which would give him total freedom from our wrath. Once he passed through that gate, we'd never get him back to fix this horrible pipe job. 

When suddenly, a miracle happened.

"Meow," Jackson said rubbing up against the offending pipes sticking out of the house wall. "Meow."

"Hello, pussy cat," Michael said bending down to pet our tuxedo feline. Jackson plopped down on his belly right in the plumber's path causing the workman to freeze. He looked at the pipes, coughed then said, "Why didn't you tell me I did a bad job right here?" 

"Ahhh. Well?" Mr. Wonderful and I said in unison and shrugged. Michael tsk-tsked us.

The short--and long--story is: Michael removed the pipes from sticking out of the facade of our House and relaid them so they were hidden and flush with the wall, just like we wanted. And they looked great.

Ahhh, Jackson. He had freed Mr. Wonderful and me from being the bad guy. Next time we need a hard-hitting complainer to talk to the contractors, we're going to the ultimate baddie: Jackson our tuxedo-wearing cat.